And the saga continues

I arrived at the court house located at 555 w Harrison on Tuesday February 4th 2020 at 8:45am.

I was the second person to sign in.

Line 8.

My court date was scheduled for 9:00am.

X arrives at 9:45am.

At 10:13 am Judge says she needs to take a break from hearing cases in room 202 because she needs to cover the court room next door.

The judge is very stern she already yelled at 2 people very loudly it makes me nervous.

I breathe.

I'm fine. I have to be patient.

Devine timing.

I am the respondent on an erroneous order of protection filed by X that I was short served with on January 14th by CPD at 2pm.

The same day I came to court and was told after signing into the clerks office that I did not have court that day.

Lies and Corruption swept under the rug and labeled as a "clerical error" I don't have the energy to even care anymore. I accept that. It was a clerical error... whatever.

Onto more important thoughts...

First of all the judge is working her ass off. She seems pretty fair albeit impatient.

She is clearly working very hard and my intuition tells me her intentions are pure. She seems like she wants to help. She seems open to hearing what I have to say. She also seems OVERWORKED and spread too thin which is definitely a feeling I can relate to.

She is covering two court rooms and my case is called shortly after 10:40am.

The outcome of the court date on Feb 4, 2020 was another continuance. The judge granted X a continuance so that his lawyer could be present. I asked to go to trial and was prepared to do so with no lawyer. I have my facts in order and when the truth is on your side, and resources and cash are working against you, Pro Se seems like the only option. The judge was kind and understanding and granted me a three day window, feb 16-19 to return to the apartment that X and I shared, with the presence of the Chicago Police Department, and gather my belongings and my children's clothes. I am very grateful for that. I don't have a tow truck to move my car (X broke the key off in the ignition and locked the doors) but to take my computer and my clothes and the clothes of my children is more than enough for me.

I have reached out to domestic abuse help agencies, and even the sex trafficking hotline which I submitted as evidence in the previous order of protection he was granted without my testimony or an opportunity to defend myself against. Most recently I have called upon Between Friends Chicago. I have spoken with Ky and Isabelle who were so kind and compassionate. I was referred to the manager Lizzie Hendren @773.599.0727 and given her email address:

LHendren@BetweenFriendsChicago.org

, I emailed her a summary of my experience thus far and asked for help and guidance on Wed Feb 5, 2020 but as of today I have still not heard back.

The mental and physical stress it has taken to get this far... there are literally no words to effectively communicate how exhausting this process has been. I want to push forward but every time I enter the court room and have to look at him my heart breaks all over again. After all of the abuse I suffered as a result of his actions I still cannot help but to worry about X and notice things like, he showed up an hour late, and with another woman who could be a very nice person but quite frankly is not a "good look" for him. He was unshaven, his spirit was restless, and it made me sad to see.

I am being completely honest and while I try not to judge a book by its cover, the unkept appearance, rude and abrupt conversation, and overall negative vibe I got from both of them made my heart and soul incredibly sad. I don't care that he has someone new. LET THAT BE CLEAR PLEASE! What stands out to me is that he clearly has not been able to take care of himself. No person should have to struggle to survive and since I can remember I have always been inclined to at the very least attempt to heal the tortured souls I have encountered.

Could this be one of my toxic or unhealthy traits/patters that is holding me back in life? Am I bad for being so compassionate? How do I stop FEELING so much?

I have had no contact with X and I am genuinely afraid of his every move.

When he points his camera at me I believe whole heartedly it is to capture an image of me that he will use to hurt me in some way, slandering me to his friends and family, posting it on the dark web, or capturing me in an unflattering angle and using it to laugh at my expense are all likely options based on historical experience.

When he screenshots my stories on social media and his friends call me I can't help but feel a bit anxious. My "blocked lists" are growing so long they may exceed my number of "friends". I have deactivated and created numerous social media accounts and some might say well then just stay off of social media altogether. I cannot. I will not. I refuse to stop creating content, to stop expressing myself and socializing with the world, I refuse to be bullied into further isolation and sadness. I am a citizen of the United States of America, one of the greatest countries in existence, why should I have to be fearful to speak? I shouldn't... theoretically...I cannot identify one particular thing about the court date that caused my overall emotions of fear and insecurity.

I feel malice in his actions. I also feel sadness from his soul. X is very resourceful, very connected, very capable of destroying other lives, much as he has done with mine, but in the moment I see him there in court all I feel is sadness. I am too compassionate for my own good and I don't know how to be anything other than that.

I look at the women that have endured pain in the wake of his path prior to me and analyze our conversations. There is one woman in particular who has suffered and overcome much trauma caused by X and his loyal minion-groupie followers. She has fought for her recovery relentlessly and although I have grown physically and mentally tired of this process, I regain stamina and strength through the memories I have of the multiple women who have lost themselves before me, while dealing with him either directly or indirectly, and so I push forward.

I need to protect myself. I need to protect my children and family, and I need to protect so many other children and people who could be damaged in the path of this dark energy.

I truly do not know the cause of this darkness, and for a long time I shouldered the responsibility of finding out and repairing it. Through the last 6 months I have realized that it isn't my job to repair anyone. Especially not while I am broken myself. I don't believe that any one person alive is "whole". I do not buy into the idea that we must be fully healed from all past traumas before we can have healthy relationships in other capacities and I believe that some healing is a lifelong process. We all carry baggage with us that affects our abilities, our belief systems, and our interactions with the world around us. I am hopeful that someday I will meet a person who isn't afraid of my baggage, I won't be afraid of theirs either. Together we can unpack and live a happy and fulfilled life with my/our children. We will grow and evolve together and be happy and successful individually and as a family.

I will never give up on love. I will never give up on myself, I will never give up on family, and I will never give up on humanity. I am not for sale. I am not a sex doll to be objectified and preyed upon. I am worthy of love. I had no idea what was happening to me until it was too late. Distance and time provide so much clarity but I still have so many unanswered questions. I am ok with just being able to grow and recover. I accept that I may never get closure or understanding. I just want to live. I will live I will flourish I will evolve.

Thank you for every single person who has supported me in any way throughout this process. It is much appreciated!

I am grateful for my pain. I will continue to use it as motivation.

The first time I reported my abuse to the police can be traced back to body cam footage from September 17, 2019 TBond # 8760993. I went to court with proof of insurance on Nov 4, 2019 for these tickets but the date was continued to Feb 10, 2020 at 9am room 407 at location "DUI"

I am not sure why it was continued or why I am going to court for an insurance issue at a DUI location but I will be sure to update my blog on Monday Feb 10 following that court date.

Love and respect to each and everyone.

To be continued Feb. 26, 2020 at 9am.