Glance back to realize how far you've come

Context is very important

Heather Gillespie Nov 3, 2020

In what setting did that happen?

“The blood in my veins is not the same blood that sits in a test tube.

In my veins my blood behaves a different way”

Causal relationships

Why do I care? I’ve been sitting here for months crying over the shit you lied about. Feeling like if I speak I am betraying everything I have ever known, but tonight i realized something about you. You are a fraud. You are one big lie. Now it’s time for your bullshit to be exposed. If loyalty is what matters to me, and I am being loyal to a fraud, is that loyalty at all? I don’t think it can be. I think it makes me just like you, and one thing I cannot be is fake.

I like to have fun and be free. I like to relax and work hard. I am multifaceted. I am complex. I guess I was too much for your weak ass ego to handle. That must be what kicked this all off because there is no other explanation. I was loyal, to the very end I was loyal. I went to hell and back for you and it took every part of me every single ounce of strength to pull myself out of the darkness you left me in.

We met in 2015 and you promised to save me from the abuse I was enduring. I trusted you. I stood by yourside and held you down for years. I went to every single court date and at your sentencing when they gave you 10 years I cried. I fucking cried and then I wiped away that tear and put on a strong face FOR YOU. I never wanted to fall in love with a man facing 10 years in prison. It just happened. I thought it was fate but the reality is that it was a set up. I was set up by a fucking coward.

A naive vulnerable woman ready to give it all to a man who would keep me safe and love me to the moon and back. That's what you said you were right? What happened then babe? Don’t worry if you don’t remember, I remember.

I can respect a gangster who sells drugs to escape the streets, I can respect a woman who dances her ass through college or to support her kids, I can even respect an addict who chases his fix peacefully, what I cannot respect is a coward who puts the people who love him on the line for a dollar. What I cannot respect is a coward who uses love to control and manipulate the unsuspecting, what I cannot respect is a pretty, entitled, phony thug who calls his mommy for every problem and pays away the truth. No love. No respect.

You used me and that’s okay now it’s my turn to use the ruin you left me in to my advantage. All it takes is my voice, all I had to do was find my voice and I got it now.

I met Dylan in 2015 at a time in my life when shit was spiraling out of control… FAST.

I was working bottle service and had gotten caught up in the fast life. The life I never knew existed. The life you only saw in movies and wondered if it was real, its real, and its relentless, ruthless, and unforgiving.

I wanted a better life. I wanted a better life for my kids, I wanted to give them everything I never had, love, acceptance, stability… Dylan was sexy. His body was banging and he had this ability to get anyone to do anything he wanted with little effort. I guess I was attracted to the power. All the girls wanted him but I didn’t. When anyone brought up his name I thought they were giving the guy too much credit, but when I became the target of his affection that all changed.

I still don’t know for sure what I saw in him in the beginning, but I believe in my heart it was just the fantasy of safety, love, and protection he sold so convincingly that eventually won me over.

I had been taken advantage of, robbed, beaten, drugged, and Dylan promised peace and safety from those things. He got caught up in some trap shit and I sat next to him for a 3.5 year prison sentence like a good woman should. (so brainwashed) I don't think anyone should be left alone in prison, forgotten about and abandoned. This was never about street cred for me. It was about hope and peace. Dylan swore he wanted a new life, he swore that he wanted out of the three day parties and recklessness. He said he wanted a stable future and that he wanted it with me.

My entire life from as early as I can remember I felt like I was not worthy of love. I had a rough past with my mother and struggled with PTSD and anxiety which I guess is why I was such an easy target for him.

Whatever kind of scam he was pulling in 2015 he easily explained away. He was so good at explaining things away. Telling the story in a way that made his actions seem acceptable. Blaming the people he said the were users and abusers. Blaming each of his exes. I bought what he was selling every single time and now I sit here struggling to find peace.

Why are his exes all admitted to psych wards or fleeing the state in panic?

What the fuck is going on?

Why do they believe him.

They know full heartedly that the things i’m saying are truth. They know. I believe with my entire being that there is not a doubt in their mind about the the validity in the claims being made. Afterall with 35 previous arrests they are surely well acquainted and fully aware of who and what they are dealing with here right? I think that they must assume they are safe from this kind of victimization. That because they are educated or a public official they are safe from him. He seems so far from them. Until it happens to their daughters. It's understandable because I didn’t believe his other victims either. He chooses women who are vulnerable and then coerces them into heavy drug use to make them less credible sources of the abuse. He is incredibly skilled in the art of production. He is sick. Why do I still worry about him? Why do I still want to love him back to healthy. Why do I think of him and only remember the five years when he was the only person there for me and was that isolation intentional for the purpose of being the sole influence in my life or was it something I did on my own because of my tremendous love for him.

I don’t want to live with his blood on my hands.

There is nothing I cannot forgive.

That is so scary.

I know it's deeper than I can see. I can feel it.

The far right and conservatives want something more from me. I can feel that too whenever I step outside. What can I tell you that I haven’t already told you and shown proof of? I know the problem now is that they know he deserves to be in prison but cannot convict him and if they do they are sentencing him to a certain death due to his long history of informing.

I don’t want him to be hurt, most people wouldn’t wish harm on another person I suppose. I hope. Am I naive to think that way?

Did they make him start partying again? When? Was this a federal assignment or was that a lie? Is he playing both sides all sides who is on whose side?

I genuinely from the bottom of my heart don’t want anyone to get hurt ever, but if they are coming after me is the only alternative to wish them demise? As stated in the 48 laws of power, Law 15, Crush Your Enemy Totally. Is it not true that if there are people playing life by these rules that we must at the very least be knowledgeable and aware of them to defend ourselves from being “squabbled” as they say?

Why would he tell people I am an informant and leave me to be harmed? Is he that evil that he would, in an effort to have me killed as to not expose any of his secrets, tell people that I am an agent or an officer to have me targeted and keep his hands clean while also solving the problem he is being faced with of the risk I carry knowing his secrets and being able to expose them at any time? Law 7 Get others to do the work for you but always take the credit.

Is that why all the others flee the state?

I am truly doing my absolute best. I am done surviving now I can thrive. I know some people think vanity keeps me in the gym but my fitness people know the tremendous therapeutic qualities that the gym provides. Equinox OMGSH. This is not a paid partnership and there is no incentive for me to speak highly of them. I really enjoy this space.

Dylan claims that I did not contribute to the relationship financially. When he had nothing no money no car no way I made a way for him. I gave him a home because what was mine was also his. I gave him my car and tried to be patient and forgiving as he returned it with womans items in the glove box and center console. I allowed this type of disrespect because my heart wanted so badly to understand. Coming out of prison is such a shift. I tried with all my soul to give him the benefit of the doubt to deliver on all of his promises, but that day never came. Even when he was making thousands more than me weekly and I was unwell dealing with a cancer scare, a surgery for my 6 year old where she had to be put under, and the hospice period/death of my uncle he didn’t show up for me.

Dylan had the audacity to come to the hospital for my daughters surgery and leave a photo of him and Marissa up on his tablet that he let my daughter watch cartoons on while waiting for the surgeon. That day, October 31, 2019 is the day I found out he was cheating on me with the girl who robbed my home. Can you imagine how devastating that was?

I forgave and forgave and forgave and asked for the money to leave. He kept promising me the money and delaying the date he would be able to give it to me. I felt trapped and secluded. I was depressed and heartbroken and alone.

I gave him all I had, he gladly took it, and then kicked me into the street with nothing after months of abuse and manipulation.

Watching the show air and dealing with all of the hatred has made me so much stronger and awakened me again. I have been entirely truthful. I don’t know what else I can say. I have other hazy memories. CO2 causes memory loss and I FEEL bad vibes and feel a scary familiarity to certain people, places, environments,but as much as I try I cannot remember why. I cannot waste any more of my life trying to piece together the puzzle, I have to grow and move on, Equinox, Evanston, my new room (safe place) my new workout routine and goals, these things are providing me the stability I need to continue to grow. I am so grateful to have them and willing to stop at nothing to prove to myself that I can and will recover better and stronger than ever.